Word Blindness

I have had nothing worthy to blog about of late, you could say I have been sort of stuck in a haze! Sitting writing this post now I am finding it difficult to find the words to say how I have been feeling for some time now, haha how mellow dramatic dose that sentence sound? Believe me I am a optimistic person at heart and always try and see the good in everything even when it`s really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel!
After many months of looking for voluntary work and failed many times I am pleased to say I am now back voluntary working one morning a week, health permitting :) I am back with the same lovely people offering manicures in the day centre I use to volunteer for before my health took a big dip. I love working with the older generation and hearing there tales and it is lovely to see the smiles of what a bit of nail varnish can do. I have been feeling out of sorts for a while now especially since my chance to study OT at university was no longer a possibility and I had to face facts I just was not well enough any more. It really upsets me and I try my best not to think to much about ambitions I had once, as long as I had ambitions in my life i.e university then a job etc I felt in control and really happy because I could be who ever I chose to be in life. Right now I would be over the moon to be able to have the opportunity to work in a little shop etc but that's just not going to happen and this is what I am finding the hardest thing to come to terms with, the fact that my health is not going to get any better and this is only made more real when I need to use my portable oxygen when out.
It has been well over a year since I started using portable oxygen and it hasn't been easy at times you no with the obvious embarrassment and largely because of what the oxygen represented to me. I felt very vulnerable when I started the oxygen because to me it meant my health was on a decline and having to realise on a tank of oxygen when going out is not a great feeling. It has taken me a very long time but I have realised I can walk a little further and reduce my coughing fits if I use my oxygen!
I have also made the decision to move out of the family home one which I did not make lightly, I am the last one to fly the nest and if I am honest I am sure I should be far more excited about the prospect than I am but in actual fact it is slightly over whelming. I keep reminding myself it is the "normal" thing to do.
I started a course of iv's two weeks ago the plan being I started at the hospital and finished the course at home but things didn't go to plan, when my port a cath was accessed and flushed with saline I had allot of pain where the tube goes over my collar bone and swelling, I had a scan and dye was put through the port line and it showed a rupture in the tubing where the saline solution was leaking out into the tissues rather than the vein.  I ended up having to stay in for my iv`s until I could have a pic line hehe never a dull moment. I have only had this port a cath in just over a year now so I am not very happy as this one has to come out and another put back in some time in the year.