That boat has sailed

I am in hospital again after just finishing two weeks of iv`s as lung function was down and generally feeling worse than usual. Today was my ninth day of  iv`s only five days left then I can get back to some sort of normality what ever that is. When ever I am in hospital all Cf patients get their own room because of the risk of cross infection and like myself at times we all go through the emotions of boredom, loneliness, frustration and a feeling of being detached from the outside world. When I first started my blog I felt very much a closed book person in reality I am still very much, there is something about writing a blog on the computer that unwraps my feelings, this could be because in some ways I still feel what I am blogging about  is still personal to me and I  don`t have to confront anybody one to one. Today was a struggle it was one of those days when you looked at the time and only ten minutes had past. The dietician came in to see me and talked about the usual increasing my BMI and how a good weight helps in lung function and life in general for CF people, now with all the positive of a increased weight and 0 for a lower BMI you would have taught I would eat as many calories in a day as possible. I have always been one of those people that would be 100% compliant with treatment to keep as healthy as I can but adding on weight I struggle with because the thought of even putting on a few pounds scares me and when it dose go on I hate myself. When left in my room today I had a feeling that can only be described as over whelmed, I thought about one question in particular that had been brought up during the day by the dietician, why do I feel like this? I always thought I knew the reason but now I am not sure and if I can`t understand myself how can I even expect others to, I really wish I could wake up one morning and feel yes weight is good.
During the week I had a phone call from my to be university lecturer for Ocupational Therapy this September and the effects of that call have really hit me now. Last year I was meant to start the course but had been in hospital for 6 weeks over the summer and during the start of term so had my course deferred for this year hopeing and praying my health would pick up. It if anything each day is a task in itself but although I had to face up to the reality uni was out I just could not write the email because then that was really my hope gone. Well she rang this week to ask if I was still starting in the new term I had to openly admit I would not be starting, I was offered  another defer for next year but had to explain to her my chance had gone. That is that the boat has finally sailed as they say I am sure when it has really sunk in the flood gates will open.
Hopeing my next blog will be of happy times.

Memories to treasure x

This weekend I went away with my best friend and her 3 sisters to Bath I truly had an amazing time. I went away unwell knowing that when I arrived home I would be repacking to go back into hospital, I felt so well whilst on IV`s but went straight down hill soon after finishing the course, I often wounder what I am doing wrong, to be out of hospital for two weeks than back in again is insane!
We left for Bath via train on the Friday morning so we would get there early and have some time to find are apartment in daylight.  The train journey was so very quick and much better than travelling by car, we had three train changes one being the London underground now that is always an experience. To my surprise we arrived in Bath by 1:30 as I thought the journey would be much longer. With the help of the good iPhone we followed the directions to are apartment, what a walk it was thought it was all up hill and I was not the only one struggling, by the time we arrived we were all very much exhausted. As we entered and looked around the apartment we were all lost for words it was stunning and decorated minimal but very modern, usually the pictures you see of where you will be staying are much better than the actual thing but this was the complete opposite the pictures did not do the place enough justice.
We stayed in an relaxed that evening as we were all very tired but Saturday we were up and out early to see the beautiful sights of Bath. I honestly have never been to a city so lovely the pale cream stone they use for all there buildings is so nice, the city is clean and you can see the people that live there take pride in where they live. We spent Saturday shopping and getting to know the place, it sounds crazy to come to a beautiful city and go shopping but they truly have amazing shops nothing like I have been to before, I brought a few Christmas prezzies from the Disney store I love this place and I like to get organised with Christmas early because I never no if I am going to be in hospital over November / December when I would have usually been sorting presents out.  That evening we went back to the apartment by bus this time had some dinner then back out for a drink in one of the local pubs to end a lovely day. Sunday we lad a lay in but when we aventually went out we visited the Roman Baths, you can`t go to Bath and not see this atraction as it is what makes Bath so beautiful and it is right in the centre of Bath`s city. We then went to the fashion museum it had the original costumes that actressess had worn in films, it had Kiera Knightleys dress from the Dutchess I could not get over how tiny her waist was for this dress. Orlando Blooms costume from the Pirates of the caribean and many more stars outfits. The museum also showed how fashion had changed over the years and I got to try a corset on. Monday was are day for coming home so we spent a few hours walking around Bath and along the river before getting the train home, we arrived back at 9:30 we were all so exhausted but what good memories we all have and although I never told the girls this they are just like sisters to me.
Tuesday morning I had a call from my CF nurse to say there was a bed for me so here I am back in hospital, unpacked and repacked fresh cloths in under half an hour that has to be a record for me. This weekend had given me treasured memories.

Birthday suprises

This Monday 1st August was my 27th birthday I have had the best birthday in a long time. It was lovely and relaxed no planning for a party which these days I find exhausting, although I very much love when the whole family get together. I cam home on IV`S and did not finish until Tuesday 2nd but on the Sunday evening whilst having one of my IV drips Dad came in the sitting room with a early birthday surprise, he had brought a birthday cake and had happy birthday candles alight on the cake, that alone would have been enough of a birthday for me because it was so thought full and so unexpected. On Monday mum, dad, family friends and I went out for a curry in the evening yum it was so nice. Tuesday mum, dad and I went to see the second half of Harry potter at the cinema, although not very impressed by the last two films I thought this final film was just fantastic and had a perfect ending. I made some home made bread that evening from a present by Dad a bread machine, It turned out really well although the bottom of the loaf looked really wrinkly and odd but it tasted good. To end a perfect two days I ended felling really unwell with a temperature and to be perfectly honest felt since my IV`s like I had taken one step forward and two steps back, life has to go on feeling unwell or not. As a birthday present from mum we are going to have a pedicure and manicure in the week, although a beautician myself I have never actually had anyone since my training do either of these on me, althought I have done plenty on others but love doing so and the reward I get is to see how happy it makes people feel after having nice nails etc.