That boat has sailed

I am in hospital again after just finishing two weeks of iv`s as lung function was down and generally feeling worse than usual. Today was my ninth day of  iv`s only five days left then I can get back to some sort of normality what ever that is. When ever I am in hospital all Cf patients get their own room because of the risk of cross infection and like myself at times we all go through the emotions of boredom, loneliness, frustration and a feeling of being detached from the outside world. When I first started my blog I felt very much a closed book person in reality I am still very much, there is something about writing a blog on the computer that unwraps my feelings, this could be because in some ways I still feel what I am blogging about  is still personal to me and I  don`t have to confront anybody one to one. Today was a struggle it was one of those days when you looked at the time and only ten minutes had past. The dietician came in to see me and talked about the usual increasing my BMI and how a good weight helps in lung function and life in general for CF people, now with all the positive of a increased weight and 0 for a lower BMI you would have taught I would eat as many calories in a day as possible. I have always been one of those people that would be 100% compliant with treatment to keep as healthy as I can but adding on weight I struggle with because the thought of even putting on a few pounds scares me and when it dose go on I hate myself. When left in my room today I had a feeling that can only be described as over whelmed, I thought about one question in particular that had been brought up during the day by the dietician, why do I feel like this? I always thought I knew the reason but now I am not sure and if I can`t understand myself how can I even expect others to, I really wish I could wake up one morning and feel yes weight is good.
During the week I had a phone call from my to be university lecturer for Ocupational Therapy this September and the effects of that call have really hit me now. Last year I was meant to start the course but had been in hospital for 6 weeks over the summer and during the start of term so had my course deferred for this year hopeing and praying my health would pick up. It if anything each day is a task in itself but although I had to face up to the reality uni was out I just could not write the email because then that was really my hope gone. Well she rang this week to ask if I was still starting in the new term I had to openly admit I would not be starting, I was offered  another defer for next year but had to explain to her my chance had gone. That is that the boat has finally sailed as they say I am sure when it has really sunk in the flood gates will open.
Hopeing my next blog will be of happy times.